fear and yearning in NY

Mid week blogging usually means one thing - the need to divulge/moan...

Good and bad news. I have been sleeping terribly again, and now its a combination of having to pee and the baby seriously kicking the crap out of me at around 3am - every. single. night. The silver lining is that I can now predict his sleep-wake patterns when he arrives.

hooray.

Last night I conked out at 10, missing Hillary Clinton's big DNC speech cause I was so tired from not sleeping the night before. Nevertheless, I woke up at 2am to pee, then 3am from being judo chopped in the stomach, by 4am I finally gave up, went downstairs and ate a big bowl of cereal. After the cereal, I went to Baby's to-be room and started rummaging around the little things we've thus acquired. This seems to be my new favorite insomnia induced activity. I was just enjoying re-examining all the little outfits when I hear U moaning about what a ruckus Im making. So I promptly go back to our bedroom to thoroughly bug him by talking up a storm asking him questions like... "do my arm look fat?" Bad pregnant wife... :-)

Needless to say, we were Mr and Mrs Grumpy this morning. As the sleep deprivation increases and the anticipation for more sleep deprivation looms overhead, I can't help but wonder what we've done to our carefree sleep and fun-filled married-without-children life. There are times during this pregnancy when I have felt so filled with optimism and confidence in my ability to be a fine mom. I mean common.. Ive semi-participated in the sort of rearing of my twin sisters. I totally know how to change diapers, hold a baby, feed it cheerios. Ive heard myself saying things like.. 'Honey, there's nothing to worry about. Ill show you, just make sure his head is supported...' etc.

But if Im even a little bit honest with myself, the truth revealed is: 1) that was 16 years ago 2) I was not the one to wake up at night 3) If I had better things to do I usually went on my merry way while my poor parents juggled 2 screaming kids 4) I recall once speed rocking Cathy cause she wouldn't stop crying which just made her scream louder. Perhaps I was actually quite bad at child care.

Do I have any real notion of what is to come?..No. Am I really quite scared about breastfeeding?..Yes. Will U and I ever again have the time to just sit in a park and gaze at each other on a Sunday afternoon?..Doubtful. Will I be able to balance working full-time, being a wife and mother, and doing it all in a way that can produce the happy and healthy family I want us to be?..god I hope so.

The questions and self doubt (as well as new self-loathing at my physique), are creeping in. I guess I just want to stop thinking about it all and just be beamed 2.5 months into the future. Where all this worry and self-doubt can be replaced and dissolved by action in the form of meeting, taking care of and loving my little boy.

I know it will be a test. But its a test that I can't really prepare for, so I am ready to just say, bring it on. Oh how I want to hold him already!