Reflections of a 4 month old mom

This post is dedicated to my BFF Julie, who just recently welcomed a new little baby boy into her life. Ive been thinking about Julie a lot because she is experiencing those first weeks with a first, newborn baby, and we've spoken on the phone a few times. Hearing her experience has brought me straight back to that time which was a mere 3-4 months ago, yet seems like a distant dream.

I don't think anyone ever really speaks honestly about that postpartum new baby time because most parents come out of that difficult period and promptly repress it because its so horrible. Also, I think they just feel too guilty to admit that the expectation of a happy new life with baby is replaced with anxiety, exhaustion and fear. I think I posted a few ambiguous, matorphor filled, not terribly forthright entries during those first few weeks. Now that we are over that hurdle, I want to go back and describe in an honest way, our experience being new parents.

In summary, it was hard. VERY hard at times.

It was one of the more challenging experiences for U and I. It was all a sort of blurry whirlwind but the first 2-4+ weeks went something like this:

During the day it was a struggle trying to learn how to feed, put to sleep, and comfort a new, soft, non-communicating fragile human being.

By the early evening, a deep intense and heavy sadness would envelope me and when U stepped through the door from work, I would hug him and break down in tears without really knowing why except that my hormones were probably having a good ol' time going bonkers in me.

At around 10pm we would be totally exhausted and head to bed, but that would be the exact time the baby would want nothing to do with sleep and presume to cry for 3 straight hours whilst we coo'd, rocked, nursed, and worried about him until he would finally pass out and wake up 30 mins later for a repeat act. During those few weeks, I recall going to sleep thinking I'd like nothing more than to never wake up.

Since I had to have a C-section, all of this was done with a fresh 5 inch long surgical incision across my abdomen. I was expected to recover and take care of myself whilst learning to care for my baby and at times it all seemed like a very very cruel joke. Of course, none of this is the poor baby's fault. Its simply the steepest learning and endurance curve for everyone involved, ever.

The message to my dear Julie and all those new moms out there is this: You are not a horrible mom for feeling miserable, scared and tearful. Also, you will get through this. Whilst you're in the exhausting dark haze that is those first few weeks, its hard to imagine that you will not only survive.. you will come out of the tunnel and arrive in a world that is brighter and more joyous than anything you've ever known.

In the 9 years we've been together, U and I have had a lot of love, fun and laughter. But nothing beats having our little Kai. My baby turned 4 months old recently, and I think I laugh, like truly laugh from pure happiness, every day. I can now say that the journey of falling unconditionally in love with someone, who's new little smile can make your heart skip a beat.. that is what makes those first weeks of hell seem like a distant foggy dream and I now find myself going to sleep every night thinking "I can't wait for more tomorrow".